How to Stop Caring What Others Think and Build Confidence in Yourself
- Shanae Smith
- Nov 8, 2023
- 13 min read
Updated: Mar 5
Do you ever feel like the fear of what others think is holding you back? Like you’re living life on someone else’s terms, constantly second-guessing yourself and wondering if you’re enough? I’ve been there. For years, I let the opinions of others dictate my choices—until I realized something that changed everything: I’m the main character in my life. And you are, too.
But here’s the thing: becoming the main character isn’t a quick fix. It’s a process of deconstructing old beliefs, letting go of fear, and building confidence step by step. And like any good journey, it comes with a bit of homework—don’t worry, I’ll keep it fun. 😉
In this post, I’m sharing a curated list of books that helped me break free from fear and live with more confidence and authenticity. But I know not everyone has the time (or the patience) to read through a stack of books right away, so I’m also sharing 2 actionable takeaways from each one. These will give you something to reflect on and try immediately, while pointing you toward the deeper work ahead.
Even if you’re not ready to dive into all these books, the actionable takeaways will give you practical steps to start building confidence today.
Remember: this is the start of something long-lasting, not just a quick solution. By the end of this post, you’ll have tools to take the first step toward reclaiming your confidence and becoming the main character in your life. So grab a notebook, and let’s dive in!
Why Should You Read This Post? - Building Confidence by Uncovering Your True Self and Questioning Social Conditioning
By the end of this post, you’ll understand how to stop seeking validation and build authentic confidence:
Recognize where you’re seeking approval from others so you can break free from people-pleasing and start making decisions that align with your true self.
Understand how astrology reveals your validation struggles so you can pinpoint the placements that shape your confidence and take steps toward self-trust.
Break free from social conditioning and limiting beliefs so you can release the subconscious patterns that keep you stuck in fear of judgment.
Use shadow work to uncover hidden fears of rejection so you can transform self-doubt into self-acceptance and reclaim your personal power.
Take practical steps to build confidence from within so you can stop relying on external approval and start trusting yourself to create the life you want.
This post won’t solve everything for you—but it will point you toward the resources and mindset shifts that have helped me, and many others, create a life filled with purpose and authenticity.
Why You Matter Most in Your Reality - Stop Caring What Others Think
Let’s get one thing straight: in your reality, you are the most important person. Not your parent, not your child, not your spouse—not even your dog. (Okay, maybe your dog is a close second.)
It might feel uncomfortable to accept this at first. Many of us have been conditioned to prioritize others’ needs (especially our children!!) and opinions above our own. But putting yourself first isn’t selfish; it’s essential. When you live authentically and intentionally, you not only elevate your own experience but also show up more fully for the people you care about.
Healthy Social Awareness vs. External Validation
Letting go of external validation doesn’t mean becoming indifferent to all opinions—it’s about learning to filter whose perspectives actually matter. Some level of social awareness is necessary and even beneficial.
The key is distinguishing between:
✔️ Constructive feedback that helps you grow (from trusted mentors, close friends, or those who understand you).
❌ Unnecessary noise from people who project their own fears, insecurities, or rigid expectations onto you.
Astrology helps clarify which opinions might carry too much weight in your life. For example:
Saturn placements often indicate where fear of judgment holds you back—are you clinging to rigid expectations in your career (Saturn in the 10th) or afraid of rejection in relationships (Saturn in the 7th)?
Venus can show how your self-worth is shaped by others—do you rely on external validation in social settings (Venus in the 11th) or in your personal identity (Venus in the 1st)?
Pluto reveals where fear and control keep you stuck—are you obsessed with proving yourself in your career or social status (Pluto in the 10th)? Do you try to control how others see you to avoid feeling powerless (Pluto in the 1st or 7th)? Pluto forces you to face what’s buried deep so you can reclaim your true power.
Chiron shows where old wounds keep you from trusting yourself—do you doubt your intelligence, fear saying the wrong thing, or feel unheard in conversations (Chiron in the 3rd)? Or are you overly self-critical, afraid of making mistakes, or hesitant to take up space in professional settings (Chiron in the 6th)? Healing Chiron placements is key to developing true confidence that isn’t based on external approval.
The 8th House represents deep emotional vulnerability and transformation—are you holding onto fears around intimacy, success, or personal power? Planets in the 8th can indicate where you fear losing control or where deep transformation is required before you can fully step into confidence.
Releasing excessive concern over what others think doesn’t mean dismissing all input—it means curating your influences so that the guidance you receive aligns with your values and growth.
But breaking free from external validation isn’t always easy—it takes time, awareness, and the right tools. Sometimes, we need a shift in perspective or a reminder that we’re not alone in this struggle. That’s where the right resources come in.
If you’re ready to build unshakable confidence and trust in your own voice, these books will help you reinforce the mindset shifts we’ve covered.
Books to Move Into Main Character Mode
Check out Chirp - if you've never purchased an audio book from them, use my link to grab one of these for free - most of the books on their site are available for your first download as long as they're under $20.
For beginners:
If you’re just starting to explore self-empowerment and the idea of reclaiming your role as the main character in your life, these books are perfect for you. They’re approachable, inspiring, and packed with practical insights that will help you shift your mindset and take the first steps toward living authentically.
Jen Sincero's You are a Badass - A fantastic starting point for building confidence and realizing your power to create a life you love.
Affirm Your Power: Every morning, write down one thing you’re proud of about yourself and one thing you’re capable of achieving that day. This reinforces self-belief.
Do One Scary Thing: Identify something small you’ve been avoiding out of fear (e.g., speaking up in a meeting, trying a new class) and commit to doing it today.
Bonus Non-Floofy Thing - People Aren’t Thinking About You: The next time you hesitate to do something because of fear of judgment, remind yourself: "No one cares that much about what I’m doing." Then, go do it anyway.
Jen Sincero's You are a Badass at Making Money - Learn to shift your mindset around money and attract abundance.
Rewrite Your Money Story: Write down three beliefs you have about money (e.g., “I’ll never have enough”) and replace them with empowering alternatives (e.g., “Money flows to me easily”).
Celebrate Small Wins: Track every unexpected financial gain (a discount, a refund, a bonus, a gift). Celebrating abundance—even in small amounts—shifts your mindset to one of confidence and gratitude and helps your awareness notice opportunities.
Bonus Non-Floofy Thing: Take Control of Your Money: Open your banking app right now and look at your balance. Yes, it’s uncomfortable—but avoiding it doesn’t fix anything. Awareness is the first step to confidence.
Mark Manson's The Subtle Art of not Giving a Fk - Stop letting fear of judgment rule your decisions and focus on what truly matters.
Prioritize What Matters: Write down 3 things that truly matter to you and why. Then, identify 1 thing you’re giving energy to that doesn’t align with these priorities and let it go.
Own Your Choices: The next time you make a decision, remind yourself: "I am choosing this because it aligns with my values." This builds confidence in your decision-making.
Bonus Non-Floofy Thing: You’re Not Special: Everyone faces criticism, failure, and fear—it’s not unique to you. The sooner you stop making it personal, the sooner you’ll move forward.
For Intermediate Growth:
These books take a deeper dive into understanding your inner world and breaking free from societal expectations. They’re perfect if you’ve already started your journey toward self-awareness and want tools to help you refine your mindset, release limiting beliefs, and step into a more aligned version of yourself.
Michael Singer's Untethered Soul - Free yourself from limiting thoughts and deepen your understanding of your inner world.
Observe Without Judgment: Spend 5 minutes daily observing your thoughts. Instead of reacting, practice labeling them (e.g., “fear,” “doubt”). This helps you detach from self-critical narratives.
Open Your Heart: When you feel discomfort, pause and take 3 deep breaths. Mentally say, “I am safe to feel this.” This builds resilience and self-trust.
Bonus Non-Floofy Thing: You Can Handle Criticism: Next time someone criticizes you, don’t argue or over-explain. Just say, “Thanks for your feedback,” and move on. Let them sit with their opinion—it’s not your job to change it.
Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth - Discover how to live in alignment with your higher self and shed the weight of societal conditioning.
Practice Presence: Set a timer for 1 minute and focus solely on your breath. When thoughts arise, gently bring your focus back. This anchors you in the now, where confidence grows.
Release the Ego’s Voice: Identify one “ego story” (e.g., “I need to prove myself”). Journal about how this story limits you, then write a new narrative rooted in self-acceptance.
Bonus Non-Floofy Thing: Own Your Decisions: Start trusting yourself more than you trust others’ opinions. Make one decision this week without asking for advice, and remind yourself, “I’ve got this.”
Ichiro Kishimi/Fumitake Koga's The Courage to be Disliked - Challenge the beliefs that keep you stuck and embrace the freedom of living authentically.
Stop Seeking Approval: Choose one decision today and make it only based on what feels right for you—not what others might think.
Own Your Responsibility: Write down one thing you’ve been blaming others for. Reflect on how you can take responsibility for your response and actions instead.
Bonus Non-Floofy Thing: You Don’t Need Everyone to Like You: Stop people-pleasing. Identify one instance this week where you can say no to someone without explaining yourself.
For Advanced Exploration:
These books are for those ready to challenge deeply ingrained patterns and dive into transformative work. They explore complex ideas about embracing your shadow, shifting your reality on a quantum level, and fully embodying abundance and authenticity. Perfect for those who are committed to profound personal growth and ready to step into their next level.
Carolyn Elliot's Existential Kink - Learn to embrace your shadow side and transform your reality by uncovering hidden desires.
Find the Hidden Pleasure: Identify one “negative” situation in your life. Ask yourself: "What part of me secretly enjoys this?" Acknowledge it without judgment to release its grip.
Celebrate the Shadow: When you feel jealousy, anger, or fear, take a moment to thank these feelings for teaching you something about yourself. This shifts your perspective from shame to empowerment.
Bonus Non-Floofy Thing: Get Over Being Uncomfortable: Growth isn’t pretty or fun—it’s messy. Commit to one uncomfortable action this week and remind yourself: “I’m tough enough to handle this.”
David Cameron Gikandi's A Happy Pocket Full of Money - Master the art of abundance and understand how your thoughts create your reality.
Visualize Your Abundance: Spend 2 minutes visualizing yourself living your ideal life. Focus on the feelings of confidence, joy, and security.
Gratitude Practice: Each night, list 3 things you’re grateful for that align with your values. Gratitude amplifies your confidence by reminding you of what you’ve already achieved.
Bonus Non-Floofy Thing: Quit Blaming Circumstances: Your finances don’t improve by blaming the economy or your boss. Pick one action that will actually move you forward today, whether it’s starting a savings plan or learning a new skill.
(Click on each title to purchase on Amazon. These are affiliate links, which means I earn a commission at no extra cost to you. Thank you for supporting my work!)
Why This All Ties Back to Confidence
I know some of these suggestions—like gratitude lists or money mindset—might seem unrelated to building confidence at first. But here’s the thing: confidence and learning to stop caring what others think isn’t just about how you feel in the moment; it’s about building trust in yourself over time.
When you take control of your finances, it shows you can handle responsibility. When you practice gratitude, it shifts your focus from what’s missing to what you already have, helping you feel grounded and capable. Confidence is built in the small, everyday decisions where you prove to yourself that you’ve got this. It’s not about one big, dramatic change—it’s about creating a foundation of self-trust and empowerment that touches every area of your life.
All of these books changed my experience of reality and my role in it without even using my astrology chart (even though that has helped me the most, these books were incredible primers).
These specifically and fundamentally changed my philosophy while interacting with reality. I believe that if you read them you will also realize that you are the one that matters in your reality most.
Breaking Free from Social Conditioning & Shadow Work for Self-Trust
If you’ve spent your whole life worrying about what others think, it’s not your fault. We’re conditioned from childhood to seek approval, follow social norms, and fit into expectations—whether from family, teachers, or society at large.
From an early age, we’re taught:
❌ Approval = Safety If people like you, you’re accepted into the group and protected.
❌ Rejection = Failure If someone disapproves, you’re doing something wrong.
❌ Fitting in is more important than authenticity.
But here’s the truth: Your need for validation isn’t really about others—it’s about the parts of yourself you haven’t fully accepted yet.
This is where shadow work comes in. Your “shadow” is made up of the traits, emotions, or desires you were taught to suppress—often the very things that make you unique. If you’ve spent years seeking external approval, you may have buried parts of yourself just to be accepted. For more on shadow work check out this post.
For example, if you have:
Saturn in the 10th house → You might fear public judgment, making you hesitant to fully express yourself.
Venus in the 7th house → You could over-prioritize relationships, seeking validation from partners instead of trusting your own self-worth.
A strong 4th house → Family expectations may still be shaping your choices, even subconsciously.
Pluto in the 11th house → You may feel a deep fear of rejection from groups or friendships, causing you to either control your social image obsessively or withdraw to avoid potential betrayal. Your power lies in embracing authenticity rather than trying to manipulate how you're perceived.
Chiron in the 7th house → You may carry wounds around relationships and rejection, feeling unworthy of love unless others validate you. Healing this placement means learning to define your worth independently of how others treat you.
Mars in the 3rd house → You might fear speaking up or asserting your opinions, either because of past criticism or a belief that your voice isn’t important. Alternatively, you may overcompensate by pushing your ideas forcefully, trying to dominate conversations to feel heard. Learning to communicate with confidence, rather than aggression or hesitation, is key.
💡The truth is that we all experience validation issues. Even if you don’t see your placements listed here, everyone has Saturn, Pluto, Chiron, and Mars somewhere in their chart. Your experience is valid, and by digging into your placements, you can gain deeper self-awareness and learn how to manage these challenges in a way that empowers you.
To break free, you have to face and integrate these hidden fears instead of letting them control your decisions. Shadow work helps you recognize where you’re still seeking validation, so you can shift from people-pleasing to self-trust.
🔗 Want to go deeper? Read my full guide on Astrology & Shadow Work for a deeper look into the patterns influencing your self-perception.
How to Start Deconstructing Social Conditioning
These books are powerful, but they’re just the beginning. To truly reclaim your role as the main character, you need to take intentional steps to break free from fear-based patterns. Here’s how to get started:
Reflect on Your Conditioning: Journal about the societal and familial expectations you’ve absorbed. Which ones feel authentic to you, and which feel imposed?
for an astrological perspective look at your 4th house and ruler, IC, Moon Sign and/or where Cancer rules in your chart.
Define Your Role: Ask yourself, “Who do I want to be in my life? What does the main character version of me look like?”
for an astrological perspective check out your persona here
Take One Bold Action: Start small. Speak your truth in a conversation, set a boundary, or prioritize your needs in a situation where you’d normally shrink back.
Celebrate Your Progress: Acknowledge every step forward, no matter how small. Growth is a journey, not a sprint.
Streamline Your Transformation
These books gave me incredible insights, but nothing has helped me more than working with my astrology chart. If you’re ready to fast-track your journey, let’s work together to uncover the patterns and opportunities in your chart. Whether you’re looking to improve relationships, build confidence, or align with your purpose, I can help you deconstruct the blocks holding you back.
Closing Thoughts on Building Confidence and Being YOU
You are the person who matters most in your life. When you choose to embrace that truth, you unlock the power to create a reality that feels deeply aligned and fulfilling.
So, what’s holding you back? Are you ready to step into your role as the main character of your life?
Start with the books, take one bold action, or streamline your journey by working with me. Whatever you choose, just remember: the role is yours for the taking. You can check out my full list of services here.
This post contains affiliate links which I may receive a benefit from in the form of commissions or free products. Thanks for supporting my work here, friend.
Have you read any of these books? Which one made the biggest impact on you? Share your thoughts—and this post—with someone who needs a confidence boost today!
Ready to stop worrying about what others think?
Confidence comes from knowing yourself—and astrology can help. My 5-Day Mini Course: Setting Aligned Goals That Work for You helps you understand your chart’s unique strengths so you can trust your path and move forward with clarity.
Want deeper insight into your personal confidence struggles? A one-on-one astrology consultation can help you uncover where self-doubt shows up in your chart—and how to break free from it.
You weren’t meant to live by someone else’s rules. Step into your own power.
Key Takeaways
Caring less about others’ opinions isn’t about rebellion—it’s about choosing who truly deserves your energy. Seeking approval from everyone dilutes your authenticity.
Your birth chart reveals your confidence style. Your Sun, Rising, and 10th house placements show how you naturally express yourself and how others perceive you.
True confidence comes from self-trust, not external validation. Shifting your mindset from people-pleasing to self-acceptance is the foundation of lasting confidence.
Fear of judgment is often rooted in past conditioning. Identifying where you’ve been programmed to seek approval helps you break free.
Building confidence is an active process, not just a mindset shift. Taking intentional steps—like setting boundaries and redefining success—solidifies your self-worth.
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